Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Pants are for mortals
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