I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
