god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
