too bad you live with your parents still
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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