He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
