just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You were trust falling into bushes
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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