My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
