You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
