I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
