We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
