i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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