After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my being single is dangerous.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
