He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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