i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
