On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
