I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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