I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
