i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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