the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
