im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
