His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize