Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The uberlube is also flammable
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
