My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
