Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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