How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
