sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
