Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize