My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
