i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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