i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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