I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
