she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
