Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
