Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
