at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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