my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
