last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
