What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
