xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
