Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
