I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize