Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
