ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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