I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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