do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
