Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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