She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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