in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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