wrigley field is MILF paradise
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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