I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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