I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
