Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
