I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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