Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
