U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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