I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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