You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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