I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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