I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize