guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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