If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
