i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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