I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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