Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
