I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
