So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
