Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize